22 Weeks

I've been remiss in posting belly pictures. The last update I posted was 16 weeks, so here's what I've looked like over the last 6 weeks:

18 weeks

20 weeks

22 weeks

Stop reading here if you just wanted to see belly pictures.

I have to admit that these three pictures were the only times I put on clothes, besides church. Otherwise, I've been wearing pj's exclusively. I know I've mentioned briefly my stint with PPD after Lily, but as I've looked back through my blog, I haven't been very open with my struggle with depression through the rest of my life. It's not that I try to hide it - I really try to be open about my struggle so I can share the resources I've found - I think I fell into the trap of "let's make everyone think our life is perfect online so nothing I say can come back to haunt me".

Before I start, you'll have to excuse me for not recalling exact dates, numbers, and experiences. For me, being depressed was like living in a fog, and I can't remember much of anything from that time in my life - even the times while I was medicated and felt I had a handle on the depression. It hurts my heart that I can't remember important events in my life because of it - specifically, I feel like my courtship with Mike and our wedding have been stolen from me because I can only remember them when looking at pictures.

I started to deal with chronic depression when I was about 14 or 15. My mom had also suffered with depression from the time she was a teenager, and recognized what was happening. I don't remember exactly when or how, but I started taking anti-depressants. I had to try a few different medications before we found one that worked for me. It wasn't until I was about 18 that a doctor diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. I was on an anti-psychotic and an anti-depressant from that point (again having to cycle through several different combinations of medications to find the right fit) until I was 25ish. Several different times during high school my mom had taken me to a group called Recovery International, but they didn't seem to do very much for me and I didn't attend it with any regularity.

By the time I was about 21, I had pretty much hit rock bottom in my life. I don't want to go into specifics on my blog, but I've talked about that period of my life with people when I feel prompted to. Suffice it to say I had moved away from home, abandoned the Gospel, racked up a huge amount of credit card debt, and wound up losing almost every friend that I had because of the foolish choices I was making. Once I had literally nothing to lose, and everything to gain (and with enormous faith and love from my parents) I moved back in with my parents and started going to the Recovery groups three times a week. I learned some great coping skills and continued to go to groups after Mike and I got married.

I knew that before I had kids, I wanted to know that I had my depression under control. I wanted all the tools available so that I could be a good mom. When I was about 25, I worked with my doctor to go off of all my medication. I knew that if things got bad, I could always go back on the medication. What I forgot (and still constantly forget) is that when you are depressed, you don't always see it. I can go through months of just feeling off, down, out of control, but not realize where I was until I'm coming out of it. I'm lucky that Mike and my mom were often willing to gently suggest, "Maybe you ought to see about going back on meds."

I've been able to use Zoloft as a part of my post-partum recovery with both pregnancies (it's safe for nursing mothers), as well as the last trimester while I was pregnant with James. Going back on the Zoloft was a hard decision while I was pregnant with James. While I wasn't crying, sleeping away the day, letting the house get out of control (at least not more than any other pregnant mother of a toddler), I wasn't "me". It took a couple of months of feeling "off" before I realized I needed a little help. I remember telling my doctor that instead of having a really hard day every week or so, it felt like I was only able to cope for one day every week or so. For me, the turn-around is almost immediate. Days after I started back up on Zoloft, I was feeling competent and more able to handle every day stresses. I stayed on the meds until James was about 3 months old.

That brings us to today, and why I'm even telling you all of this. This pregnancy has been different than the other two - I feel physically so much worse than before; I haven't been as excited, no matter how I try to "fake it till I make it"; I don't have a solid support system here (moves are hard). But of course, it isn't until I'm almost out of the woods that I realize how deep in it I've been. I can look back and see "Ah, taking pictures started feeling like more effort than it was worth", or "I've only been showering on Saturdays because I know I have to go to church", or "I've been locking the kids in their room to play alone for 3 and 4 hours every day so I can lay in bed pretending to sleep", or "Every effort I make is to convince anyone on the outside that I'm fine". It's taken a little break in the fog to realize I need to get some help. Instead of feeling sorry for my kids, or for myself, for not getting better 6 weeks ago, I'm trying to feel really thankful for the ray of light that hit me last night and helped me see where I am and where I need to be.

How Does Your Garden Grow?

Back when we were first looking at houses (in Houston) our biggest requirement was enough yard for a garden. We found it. I plotted and planned, bought seeds and books, only to be uprooted six months later to a much different climate. Again, my biggest requirement was enough yard for a garden. Again, we found it. Not only found it, but hit the jackpot, I'd say! When we moved in, they left their vegetable garden for us. In addition to the (now empty) raised beds, there are two strawberry towers, red and golden raspberry bushes, two apple trees, and a cherry tree (the only plant that hasn't produced fruit yet).

The previous owners had done loads of landscaping!

Again, I plotted and planned, researched and read, and after many trips to the library and local hardware/garden center, came up with a garden that should do well in Bayfield's 77-day growing season. Yes, my Houston friends, you read that right. 77 days. As in, "don't plant until after the last frost on June 30, and be prepared for the first frost to hit September 7". It reminds me a lot of going to college in Montana. I thought nothing could grow in that 88-day growing season (and I killed several plants trying). So, with hope in my heart we started our seeds indoors on March 31. I thought I might even be a little late to the party, as friends of ours here in Colorado were telling us they had started their seeds in the first weeks of March.

All of our sweet baby seeds, hanging out in the nursery (aka baby's room).

I kind of decided to go all out and plant everything we have to see what grows and what doesn't. Nothing to lose but a few of the hundred seeds I have accumulated, right? Every night since we planted the seeds, I have fervently prayed that they would grow. To my SHOCK, most of our seedlings have sprouted, and several have roots piercing through the peat pots! The corn is especially quick growing. We planted green and chimayo peppers, blue hubbard squash, zucchini, corn, tomatoes, cucumbers, peas, sweet yellow onions, oak leaf lettuce, carrots, basil, oregano, mint, lavender, and forget-me-nots. I'm experimenting with garlic chives, ginger, celery, potatoes, romaine, and any other kitchen scraps I think might grow! I bought other seeds, but we ran out of peat pots: radishes, cilantro, marigolds, and nasturtiums. We're planning on planting concord grapes along one of the fences as well.

Notice we tried to plant the peas in an egg carton? Cute idea, but dumb. At least, dumb for peas. Maybe if I'd planted a smaller seed it would have been ok, but the peas are growing out of them, and I'm going to have to re-pot them before we can transplant them outside. I'm so disappointed by the wasted time and effort! The peppers are the only things that haven't pushed through, but I'm not expecting them for a few more weeks. I'm afraid my carrots are going to be really gnarly, because they didn't get evenly spaced and I'm not sure how to thin them out without killing the ones I want to keep.

Our peas are 3" tall. I'm moving them to larger peat pots tonight.

Corn, zucchini, tomatoes, cucumbers.

Oak leaf lettuce, sweet yellow onions.

Onions, carrots, and a row of forget-me-nots

I've wondered how long I can put off before I transplant the largest of the seedlings. It's only been two weeks since we planted them, but I shouldn't plant them outside until after June 30 - some of them will have DEFINITELY grown out of their containers by then! We do have hoops set up over two of the beds, so I'm looking up information this week on tarping/tenting/greenhousing (is that a word?) those beds. I did run into a woman at the park who grew up here and said her family has always planted outside on Mother's Day weekend and then covered the beds. I guess we'll give that a try and I'll start praying that they survive any cold snaps!

Choices

I start with consequences for disobedience when my littles are about 18 months old. Nothing harsh, mind you, just a reminder of what I want them to do, a slow count to three, and then "You can do ____ or you can go to timeout. Do you want to go to timeout?" With Lily, this was very effective. I would start to count and she would shout "Stop!" and rush to be obedient (at least, until she turned 3). That little girl does not like to sit still.

She had so much fun posing in the timeout chair. This is her "sad" face. "Mad" and "Surprised" didn't make the cut.

James has been a different story. I will start to count, and he will finish counting for me: "One...", "...twoooo...freeeee!" If I say "Do you need to go to timeout?", he gets a big grin on his face and RUNS to the timeout chair. He's always been more than content to sit in one place. And sometimes all I needed was him out of my hair, so there's no skin off my back if he *enjoys* the timeout chair!

Imagine this face in the timeout chair. Ineffective parenting :)

Once Lily turned 3, I started teaching her about choices. She's transitioned really well into making choices - although sometimes it leaves me in a pickle. For example, she'll run away from me in Walmart. I try to (calmly) yell "Lily, come back here!" and she'll respond "Choices?" leaving me to scramble in my brain for an alternative I can follow through on. Luckily, this scenario has only happened a few times, and each time I've been quick enough to reply "You can hop back to me, or run back to me, you choose." For awhile, it got really out of control. I would give her two or three choices (usually at lunch) and she would keeps asking "What else?" until I lost my mind. After several frustrated phone calls to my mom, over a period of about a month, I wised up. Now she gets TWO choices, and if she doesn't choose one, I choose for her. I really like giving choices. She rarely has meltdowns - and those are stopped by reverting to the timeout chair with a two-minute sand-timer that she has to watch until it runs out.

Bonus, she got it from the dentist. Free is awesome.

And now James has caught on. Yesterday at the park, I gave them a two minute warning, and then we headed off to the car. Halfway there, James stopped and said "Shoice? Shoice?" I laughed out loud and said "You can choose to climb into the car, or you can choose me to pick you up." (I'm clearly not teaching him grammar yet.)

Trying to moosh ants with his sting-ray. Now that's a choice Mama can get behind.

Easter Weekend

Mike had Friday off so we've been able to have three days of Easter fun!

Friday we went to a park:

Mike keeps lamenting that Lily is turning into a heartbreaker :)

This little man is going to cause so much trouble! Look at that expression - it screams "I'm up to no good"!

Saturday we dyed eggs and had an Easter egg hunt in our backyard. I hid about 50 eggs in pairs of two and explained to Lily that she could only take one at each pile, so James could get some. About 30 seconds in, I reversed that decision because James was cut-throat! He was racing from pile to pile, filling his arms and basket faster than Lily could keep up! After they found all the eggs, Lily said, "Mama, I think I need to take a nap now." Adorable!

Will the "cheese-ball" face ever stop?

These were the hardest eggs to get to - Lily took forever figuring out how to reach them

Examining their booty: stickers, peeps, jelly beans, and sixlets.

Sunday we dressed up in our Easter outfits (notice James and Mike kind of match!). It was hard to get a good picture (not sure why there's a shadow across the indoor picture, and it was so bright outside the kids couldn't keep their eyes open) but here we are, warts and all!

We hope your Easter has been filled with love!